Dear Grace,
It has been a difficult few days, but I hope I’m beginning to come out the other side of it now.
So Much Pent Up Anger
There’s been a lot of pent-up anger inside me. I thought I had gotten better at dealing with these feelings, but perhaps not. I need to be better at deciding when to let something go or when to face it head-on. On this occasion, I should have dealt with things directly rather than holding them in.
I made it through most of Christmas, spending time with friends on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. But New Year’s Eve was when everything fell apart. Although the last few days with K were good, there was an odd conversation on New Year’s Eve that left me feeling very low. Later that day, I saw a note about the minutes from the hastily arranged community meeting to replace the president, and I found myself getting frustrated all over again.
There was a strange conversation with K that morning, and I became frustrated with all the nonsense related to the community issues here in Spain (see more in my note below). I took some time to clear my head and went to K’s for New Year. However, she was extremely sensitive—perhaps due to the alcohol—and I didn’t help the situation, though it wasn’t intentional. I spoke too much to her friend in Dutch and made a small joke that didn’t go down well. It’s clear to me now that I’m not the right person for her.
Beneath all of this, what I’ve really been feeling is an overwhelming sadness and anger. When I see the photo posted with the blog, it just hurts. I miss you so much, Grace, and I feel incredibly alone. I’m just so angry with the world, and though I’ve tried to suppress it, I can’t anymore.
Addressing the Community Issues
As you know, when I sense unfairness or injustice, it drives me to act. That’s exactly how I feel about what’s going on in the community here, and I’m trying to deal with it. I really wish I had addressed it sooner, though, as it’s been on my mind for a couple of days now.
Here’s how I see things, and I’m open to being proven wrong: The same small group of people is behaving in the same old ways.
It reminds me of the final scenes in The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Part 2 (2015), where the new president orders the execution of the old president. Remember what Candis does? Well, it feels like a similar dynamic here, especially with L at the end of the street, one of the camera owners. He just wants everything his way: installing a satellite dish on the pole, security cameras that invade privacy, new pool rails… If anyone else does something he doesn’t like, he complains incessantly. It’s like he’s just waiting for his own time to pass.
For me, it’s simple: I want collective consultation and decision-making, but there’s no sign of that. I don’t break any rules, nor do I ask for anything beyond access to the pool when it’s overcrowded in the summer and for the exterior walls to be cleaned.
I mentioned in a WhatsApp message that things were going to get painful if they weren’t sorted out properly, and I got back a bland, “same as always” response from our new president. L gave his usual thumbs-up, like a sheep following the herd. I then provoked things a bit by saying I didn’t want to see the same old patterns continuing, using the word “b@ll@ks” (though not the actual word). The new president threatened to kick me off the group if I did it again, which I found amusing. Honestly, I don’t need to be part of that group if it’s not offering any value.
He also lit the fuse by saying in a message to the whole group that I was responsible for removing the last president. Strange, because L had described the old president’s attitude as “going in one ear and out the other” when discussing anything with him. The new president, too, had mentioned that the old president liked the seniority of the role but didn’t actually do anything. Both had suggested I become president, but I had no interest in that.
I had a private chat with the new president, but he seemed reluctant to respond when I asked if number 34 had been consulted on a key matter. Then there was silence, and I knew enough.
So, I left the WhatsApp group. I’ll tackle the issue in a different way.
I love you,
David.
