Dear Grace,
Afternoon with K
I spent yesterday afternoon with K in Alicante. We had a fantastic seafood lunch, followed by some shopping. We talked about so many things, including our pasts. However, we both agreed that our pasts are only relevant in understanding who we are today. Being close to K gave me a wonderful feeling—it was comforting and uplifting.
Feeling Sadness
This morning, I woke up with a deep sadness that I can’t quite explain. I noticed a note about the community activities here, but I don’t think that’s the cause. Even when I spoke with K this morning, our conversation touched on difficult times. I’m supposed to go to La Nucia tonight, but right now, I just want to stay home and hide. There’s a whirlwind of emotions inside me. You know how I can be—I need to retreat and process sometimes. I miss you deeply and wish you were here with me right now. At this moment, I feel really low. Maybe going to Colombia will be good for me.
My Relationship with Women
I had a meaningful conversation with K about my relationship with women, and she shared her perspectives on her relationships with men.
Looking back, I don’t think my mother was consistently kind or loving toward me as a child. Her love came in flashes. I felt like I didn’t belong—that I was in the way. Going to my grandmother’s house felt like an escape; she gave me the unconditional love I desperately needed.
As a teenager, I wasn’t attractive to the opposite sex, and that shaped how I saw myself and relationships as I entered adulthood. I longed to feel desired by women, resented angry or aggressive women like my mother, and craved a relationship where I felt cared for—much like the way my grandmother nurtured me.
Then I met you, Grace. You fulfilled all of those needs at once. You said wonderful things about how much you liked me, you were the kindest and most caring person I had ever known, and you always stood up for me. When frontotemporal dementia changed you, we became disconnected. You couldn’t provide the things that had meant so much to me, and all those old feelings, vulnerabilities, and insecurities resurfaced. But I have learnt to work through them.
Even now, I dislike being around angry and aggressive women. I either avoid them or confront them, sometimes pushing them to reveal their weaknesses. That hasn’t changed. Perhaps that’s why I had such a moment with giving “my toxic boss” are hard time.
As for feeling desired, I think everyone craves that at times. Even while we were together, I don’t think it would have been normal to completely shut off feelings of emotional or sexual attraction to others. It’s a natural human response and doesn’t mean there’s dissatisfaction in a marriage or a desire to act on those feelings. Sometimes, these feelings simply highlight unmet needs or desires. But for me, there were always boundaries, and I respected them.
Today, I find those strong feelings of needing to be desired have lessened. Yet, I still feel unattractive at times and want to feel desired. Rejection still stings, but I’ve learned to move forward and not dwell on it.
Thank You, Saskia … I am being ironic
Reflecting on what your (Grace’s) friend Saskia did three years ago—telling the children I was involved with other women—I hope you can forgive me for how lonely I was. I felt I needed to start again and find someone new before it was too late. Saskia, as you know, had gone through a messy divorce with Ian and carried a lot of anger about his infidelity.
What Saskia did caused me pain, but it hurt the kids far more. Ironically, though, after the initial sting, I realized I had nothing to hide. I opened up even more about myself. It led me to writing books, blogging, and engaging in self-therapy. Ultimately, it made me more comfortable with who I am today.
I love you,
David.
