Grieving over Grace
I’m hurting. A selection of photos of Grace appeared on my phone—some from years ago and others more recent. It makes me want to cry. I miss her so much. I feel so lonely. Even though I had a wonderful night with W, there’s still this deep ache. I’d love to be with someone, but I just can’t. I miss affection, both giving and receiving, but I feel so disconnected.
Every time I remember moments where I feel I let Grace down, it hurts. Like losing those cufflinks from her grandfather—it’s such a small thing, but it weighs on me.
It was never going to be anything with L
I’ve realised I could never have fully given myself to Lionella. That’s why it ended so quickly. Yet it was the closest I’ve come to connecting with another woman. What I cherished most were those moments of feeling appreciated—not put on a pedestal, just standing side by side with someone.
Heavy night last night, now crashed on the sofa
I’ve started drinking heavily again—good, cheap wine. But tonight, I’m skipping it. It’s tea with baked beans on toast instead.
Today has been a bit of a disaster. I managed to hoover leaves off the patio, only to see more fall later. Aside from that, I’ve mostly been sleeping after a wild but lovely night in Los Alcázares.
Now, I’m slumped on the sofa, watching The Crown on Netflix. It’s a cosy night in, but I so wish Grace was here.
Will be ready for Colombia in Feburary
I’ve been here for two weeks, and I’m convinced that in two more months, I’ll be ready to go to Colombia.
