I had a lovely evening with an old friend, Diana, watching the New Year’s concert in Cartagena. Otherwise, I struggle to think of anyone as beautiful both inside and out as you. I miss our simple moments together. As I navigate my grief, I find myself reflecting on the anger that has surfaced since your illness. I need to deal with this.

It has been a difficult few days, but I hope I’m beginning to come out the other side of it now. Beneath all of this, what I’ve really been feeling is an overwhelming sadness and anger. I miss you so much, Grace, and I feel incredibly alone.

I’ve been experimenting with the cream 😂 and not feeling too motivated.

Christmas was nice really, with Lara and Fernando’s family. Everyone asks about the kids, and I find myself struggling. And I met K.

Today, I woke up with a deep sadness which I can’t quite explain as to why. Also I have been reflecting on my relationships with women .. and thank you Saskia.

So I am now getting to find out more detail about your family roots. I discovered something that you eluded to, but was still surprised.

G is angry. If I don’t respond to her messages, she thinks I’m ignoring her intentionally. Then, when I message her regularly, she feels it’s too much. This is just too complicated for me. Grace, you’d tell me, “No way—stay well clear of her,” and I’d agree. And I am growing some facial hair.

The topic of your ashes has come up again, with Rutger reaching out to me. I’ve also discovered G is too much for me.

As always, I am thinking about you. In wanting to understand life and death better, I’ve been exploring the Stoics concept of “memento mori.” I’ve also met someone for a date.

We’re back from the Netherlands and UK, and you’re here with me, resting on the sideboard by the TV. We had lots of discussion about you at the airport with security. The president has thankfully stepped down.

It’s strange, isn’t it? Death is such an important part of life, yet we rarely talk about it. It’s almost taboo. Even when faced with someone who is dying, we often avoid the subject.

Life feels really okay at the moment. I’m moving forward, and while there are still a few things I’d like to improve, there’s nothing pressing. I miss intimacy—the feeling of being close and connected to someone—but I’ve grown to enjoy my independence.

Writing to you, Grace, keeps me connected to you, thinking about how you would respond and support me. I want my content to be real, authentic and genuine. Because that’s who I am, and who you were, who we were.

I had the cyst on my neck removed! After watching countless Dr. Pimple Popper videos, I finally experienced my own real-life moment. Now I’ve got a big patch on my neck for at least a week, withe incision stitched up.

Things are alot better Grace. I feel in such a better mood. Spanish is progressing well and I had an awesome massage yesterday.

In the end, the president needed to hear it direct. I’ve felt my concerns are being ignored. He is like some sort of … and we are talking about a residential community of 14 duplex apartments. Grace i know you’d be chuckling when you read this.

Dear Grace, the last 24 hours have been awful—I’ve been in such a bad mood. I helped Elise take some people from the airport to Lo Pagán, and the whole experience left me feeling like a taxi driver. it’s not Elise’s fault, its the situation I put myself in.

Dear Grace, I hope you’re doing well, wherever you are. I often wonder where you might be now. As I always say to myself, “Be more Grace”. My bite on my neck has not been getting better so I’ve gone to the medical centre.

Grace, I feel so stagnant— caught up in admin crap and deeply missing you. The brand strategy and related social media plan are a load of bollocks in my mind. I need to do something real and authentic.

I’m five months into a work-free life, and while I’m 100% comfortable with my decision, my spending has shot up a lot recently. Though I am happy to see others living a pseudo semi retired life like me.

I’m hurting. A selection of photos of Grace appeared on my phone, as they do with Iphone—some from years ago and others more recent. They make me want to cry. I miss her so much.

I’m spending my time at home, putting up photos of Grace around the apartment. I feel very comfortable here in Lo Pagan.

I got my laptop back! Dirk and Colleen were amazing—they retrieved it from lost property in Jakarta. I am now thinking about if I should go to Thailand?

My laptop is found, but how do I get it back to Europe? I’m told I’ve got 30 days to collect it!.

I can’t find my laptop. S@@t! I am frantically trying to work out where it might be, whilst at one of the worst airports I’ve ever been to.

I feel so empty and lonely in the airport. I so miss sharing things with Grace and always feel guilty about her not being here anymore.

I’ve got a small bald patch on my head, from my hair cut! As I wait at Pattirua Airport for my flight to Jakarta,, i reflect on how amazing the the Maluku Islands have been.

I’ve found myself unexpectedly gatecrashing a local funeral and hope a ride with some marine biologists.

I’ve loved my trip around Java, Bali, and the Maluku islands, but now I’m ready to go home and find some routine again. I also crave the comforts of home. Reflecting on nearly two months on the road, I’ve learned the importance of balance—spending a week in one place is more than enough, yet moving daily can be too much.

Yesterday was an early start as I left Natsepa Hotel, eager to reach Saparua Island. I’ve visited the village of Siri Sori, discovering this is where Grace’s surname Kesaulija originates.

The Maluku islands are so beautiful, with such stunning landscapes. I so wish Grace was with me.

Yesterday, I had the joy of joining the children at a local primary school for their morning singing and exercise routine.

I’ve visited the local doctor about a small infection on my neck, and to my surprise, it was a free consultation on her birthday!

I’ve taken the overnight ferry from the Kai Islands to the Banda Islands, which was something of experience. I’ve also decided on the title and of subject my next book.

I am energised again. After solving payment issues and with no response from Bunq executives, it’s time for some fun! I am otherwise preparing to take a ferry to Banda for a three-night stay, I reflect on my journey. I feel like I am following my own version of ‘Eat, Pray, Love’.

I miss Grace so much. The last few days have been hard, filled with tears hidden behind my sunglasses as I drive through Langguur.

The people across the Kai Islands are incredibly friendly, always greeting me with warm smiles and calls of “foreigner” in Indonesian. I’ve been sharing sweets with the children, and amusingly the adults are just as eager to join in! After three months of nightmares, I finally enjoyed a peaceful night’s sleep.

I am on the Kai Islands, a remote part of Indonesia, staying in a beach hut just meters from the shoreline. Its so beautiful. Reflecting, my life feels like a computer game where I’ve completed all the levels—university, marriage … I’ve even be given special levels, like losing my wife.

I’ve travelled to Ambon in the Maluku islands.

I cant see i am feeling very motivated or energised. I’ve head up into the hills of Bali and visited some waterfalls.

I’ve spent most of yesterday afternoon driving up the coast and just crying over Grace. The grief is definitely there and I am very comfortable with that.

I miss Grace so much, I really don’t see myself in another long term relationship ever again.

I am a bit lost at the moment.
For some reason I’ve become all philosophical the last few days. With me asking myself ‘why do humans exist?’

I had a moment last night where when I was enjoying my dinner out and I just started to feel sad and cry.

Ha ha I reckon we’ve got Chinese Agents next door. Their behaviour is really odd. They just sit around and smoke all day, as if they are waiting for something …

I am doing b@gger all, binge watching Nightsleeper and Clarkson’s farm. i suppose its ok to do nothing from time to time. I am just not used to it.

I had a moment of panic today, as the brakes on my motorbike failed as I was heading down a steep hill on the way to the North of Bali.

I updated my ‘Blueprint’, which outlines my vision for myself over the next five years. it’s two years since the last version.

I find it difficult to talk about Grace in the past tense. I feel in limbo. I just want herre with me now …

I am exploring the option of seeing a medium to connect with Grace. Am I bonkers?

I am definitely grieving, there are triggers all the time. I feel so guilty that Grace is not here with me.

Lionair to Bali, is it safe? I’m heading to the local airport for my one hour flight to Bali. Travelling

I am heading to Subaraya, the birthplace of Grace’s father, before taking a short flight to Bali.

So I am beating myself about not focusing on my writing, not recognising the fact that its only just over two months since Grace passed away.

Jakarta has been fine, but its also just an urban sprawl with, in my opinion, not much to see. I want to explore Java …

After a nineteen hour flight, via Saudi Arabia, I am here in Jakarta. This feels so odd, am I on holiday?

Well here goes, a new phase of my life begins. I am getting on a plane heading to Indonesia …

Time to share a note i should have shared at least two years ago …

So if you are going to commit to something, one of the best ways is to announce that you are doing so …

I handed my laptop back yesterday, for me my old career is now over. It is time to be more Grace. What’s the worst that can happen …