Dear Grace,
Rutger
Rutger reached out to me about your ashes, saying that both he and Sarah want some of them. I just don’t want any dialogue with them. It’s not good. He’s my son, and I know I’m abandoning him, yet I still feel like both he and Sarah are completely against me. It’s about trust as well, and there feels like none between us.
I didn’t sleep well. I don’t think it’s the wine—I only had a couple of glasses at most. My dreams are so vivid at the moment, though they aren’t nightmares. You’ve been in some of them, but for some reason, you’re not in the most recent ones. I woke up thinking about the kids.
Christmas Day
Where will I be? I don’t know. I’ll probably feel a bit sad being on my own. Last Christmas was with you! Still, maybe spending Christmas alone isn’t so bad after all.
Completing My 3rd Book
I’m starting to wonder if I’m ready to finish my third book.
Feeling Down About Progress
I feel like I’m not making much progress. Maybe I should combine writing with learning Spanish. Right now, I feel lazy and unproductive. I’m not doing any physical exercise either. I know I’m being too hard on myself, but it’s frustrating.
I keep finding distractions, like focusing on my share investments. Perhaps I need to time-box how much time I spend on those.
Old People
I know I’ll get old one day too, but being in my early 50s and having the flexibility to shop during the day, I can’t help but notice that I’m mostly surrounded by older, retired people.
G is Too Much
G is too much for me. I love her deeply, but I think she’s going to break my heart. There are too many barriers and rules being put up, and I feel like I’m giving too much of myself too quickly. I’ve been here before. It’s time to walk away.
Yesterday afternoon, I bent over backward to fit into her plans. She couldn’t make lunch after a long journey from Madrid, which I understood. Later, we went clothes shopping for me in Alicante. But after that, we had a really deep conversation that troubled me. Then she was tired and needed to go home.
I’m back to swiping a bit, though.
That said, life is good—I really can’t complain.
I will love you and never forget you,
David
