Arrived on the Kai Islands
I am on the Kai Islands, a remote part of Indonesia to the north of Australia. Staying at Savanna Cottages, in a beach hut on the beach. I am in the Moluccan region.
The trip was easy going, just over one hour flight from Ambon. Before the flight, I got pulled back into security due to a phone being in my bag being placed in the hold.
I hardly see any tourists, except for some nice Dutch and Australian people staying at the place where I am staying
I am in a beach house on silts literally metres from the shore line (where the tidy is up).
Life feels like a computer game, where I have completed all the levels
I described to someone the other day how I felt I had completed the ‘game’. In that I had completed all the levels of life, e.g. university, marriage, children, career, plus even done some advanced levels e.g. dealing with a terminal illness and losing my life partner. When you complete a game or otherwise watch the final episode of a TV series, you have been engrossed in, you feel a bit lost. You don’t know what to do next? Try another box set or watch another TV series?
Having now financial independence that means I don’t need to work. But yet part of me thinks I’ve got a long time to watch the credits at the end of the game or the film.
Couples break up and then they decide with their new partner to have kids, in addition to the kids they had from their previous relationship. A middle life crisis kicks in and people search for themselves. They all seek to try special levels, bonus levels etc. For me I don’t know? I don’t have the motivation to play the game again. Yet part of me thinks I am playing the add ons you can purchase e.g. travelling around Indonesia.
I am just playing with the chemicals in my brain, trying to induce some sort of reaction. Be it from looking at a beautiful view, having sex, eating a tasty meal or completing an education. Do we really have hearts and souls? Or is something we desire to be true, to make us feel more than just pure living matter like other animals and plants.
Need to give myself time
What is clear as I need to give myself time. This is a key stage in the grieving process. I need to find myself again. Perhaps I don’t need to push it with all of my objectives, writing books etc.
If I passed away tomorrow?
If I passed away tomorrow, I’d be ok. I would not be sad. I have had a good life. Things were not as bad as they could have been and I was so lucky that Grace let me be part of her life. I don’t need more. I am happy with what life has given me. I don’t think I am depressed in anyway. Just that losing Grace, no longer being an active parent and stopping work, has created a huge void that I don’t know how to fill and I am not sure I want to. I would rather give everything way now, including my life, to be have Grace back or be with her where ever she is? I don’t need forgiveness from anyone nor do I feel I need to give foregiveness.
Here on the beach
I am here on the beach, I can’t go anyway. I can’t eat in restaurants, I cant watch TV, I can’t go out on the scooter. I need to find ways to occupy my mind.
