Missing Grace and future relationships
I worry that I don’t miss Grace, but then all of a sudden she will just pop into my head. I am truly happy when that happens. The other night I just starting crying, thinking about her.
I also think that I can never see myself ever being in a long term relationship with anyone else ever again. I know! I hear people say ‘give it time’. I realise now that at the time when I met Lionella I needed to feel cared for, but I could not give back. The only person I could give back to was Grace. Today that feeling remains the same.
I am happy being on my own and I notice that I am increasingly allowing it to happen. But I am worried, this is not (mentally) a healthy thing to do. I becoming more distant and disconnected from people around me. Perhaps, and other have said this, that this is a natural part of grieving.
Kei Islands here we come
I’m toiled over where to go, due to limited availability of accommodation on the Banda Islands. So I am going to go to the Kei Islands instead. They are more remote in terms of their location but more accessible in terms of flight – with almost daily flight from Ambon to Langguur, the town where the airport is.
Sleeping Sleeping Sleeping
Is this healthy for me? I am spending some much time in bed at the moment. Its 1120 and I’ve barely been out of bed for 15 minutes. Do I need this downtime?
I am feeling low
I am wondering why I am doing any blogging or writing books. There is an overwhelming amount of content out there, why would anyone want to read my stuff?
As so many have said, I was lucky to have Grace and being in a loving relationship.
Is it the alcohol that is making me like this? Last night was a couple of small glasses of wine with cheese and mineral water.
I am struggling to see where I can find happiness. I have my ideal lifestyle. I eat out for all my meals, I drive from place to place on my scooter. I leave in a lovely warm climate. I have very little to worry about.
The cynic in my says this is all about finding ways to drive chemical reactions in my head. Dopamine, serotonin …. I have this view that we are just living matter and we are trying to find ways to think we are more than that, with respect to being spiritual.
